Look at Me

“Look at me.”

I did not mean ‘look at me physically,’ but you did. You averted your gaze from the small puff of white in your hands and stared up at me. You then slowly stood up and, probably sensing the seriousness in my face, let go of the bunny, your eyes never leaving my face.

“What’s wrong? You look frustrated.”

See? You judged my mood by the expressions shown on my face. You did not know that what you were seeing was merely the tall fortified walls that surrounded my obscure feelings. I don’t blame

you. Only one person has ever passed through those fortifications of mine. Still, I wanted you to

pass through. I just couldn’t let you.

“What do you think?”

You must have thought that I was frustrated about a failed invention or a broken robot, since you

smiled knowingly, and I knew right then and there, even when you couldn’t really understand me,

that I was not enough for you. Never enough.

“You need to relax, Karin.”

Oh, look. You used my first name. Your voice was even friendly, even casual, yet we both knew that

we were nothing but friends. Distant friends.

“I’m perfectly relaxed right now.”

Why was I so stubborn? Maybe you would have been kinder to me if I didn’t let pride outrun the

racing emotions inside my fortifications, trying to get out. Why did I let Pride out, but not the others?

I could see from your expression that you weren’t pleased by my answer.

“Really, now?”

You had no fortresses, no limitations to your emotions. You let them out almost every moment and

you’re always able to smile or frown if you wanted. It must be a pain to keep your feelings stable.

“Are you saying that I, myself, don’t know how I feel, Sato?”

I was cold that time. No, wait. I was numb from the pain when I said that. I wanted to make you

suffer, even when you did nothing wrong. I wanted to make you feel the pain I had felt. I had once

wished I had my brother’s Alice, but now, I find myself thinking that it is so ridiculous.

“No. I’m saying that you’re lying.”

You were so blunt. Even now, you can’t help blurting out your very feelings about every single thing

that could offend you or any of your friends. I couldn’t help but admire that from you.

“You’re not looking at me.”

I was so sure of myself. I thought that he was the one responsible for all the hurt I have inflicted

upon myself. It was like using the Pain Alice on myself, yet why did I blame you so much for my fall? I

fell and stumbled on myself and my Pride, yet you still smiled at me. Why did you smile?

“I am.”